Jul
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The Dirty Have Risen and Transformed Into Consumers

By Dena // Film // View Comments

transformers I know I usually talk about food so…I like movie popcorn. I do NOT like the new weird Skittles. There—done with that. Now on to what’s really irking me today.

I feel dirty, and not the good kind of dirty. I’m feeing the kind of dirty that comes from being tricked into watching a two-and-a-half-hour commercial and liking it. Yep, you probably all ready know where this is going. I went to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I love it. Who doesn’t enjoy fighting, transforming giant robots shrouded in over the top, amazing special effects? Don’t look at me, because the inner nerd sings majestic when Optimus Prime puts his fist all the way through another robot’s face.

There was a scene where jets are taking off from a Navy carrier and soldiers are working their high-tech radar stations and I’m thinking, “Wow! That looks like an awesome job.” Inside my head, a little warning is going off—the one that goes off when I’m at the check-out counter picking up all the impulse items. I NEED an extra memory card, toothbrush, bug spray and mascara. I NEED to join the Navy, Air Force, Special Forces and….no I don’t. Try and tell me that isn’t an advertisement for the military. It totally is, and I’m not sure I care.

Then my movie-watching buddy leans over and asks, “Why doesn’t Bumble Bee transform more?” And I realize that it’s because GM wants us to look at the car, not the giant much cooler transformed robot. If the car could really do that…well damn I’d be the first one on my street to have one scaring the crap out of the neighbor’s noisy dog. What about that new Corvette concept car? Did it ever transform? What did it transform into–another Corvette concept car?

That’s the tip of the huge product placement extravaganza that is this summer’s blockbuster film. You will want to rush right out and buy a new phone, car; no, make that two phones, DVD’s of Naruto, a Hummer2 etc. Here’s a tip, take your new Ipod/touch/phone and listen to the soundtrack while you watch the film. The dialogue is obviously written by community college interns.

Girl: “Say it.”
Boy: “No, you say it first.”
Girl: “No, YOU say it first.”

Don’t get me wrong I totally LOVE the movie. They can sing Kum-bah-ya and hold hands in the background as long as the robots keep fighting. Those are the best action scenes I’ve ever seen and I was front row center seat for “Kung-Fu Hustle.” I just wish there had been better dialogue connecting all the amazing action in the thin but plausible story which still needs some splainin’ after the movie is over.

I keep going, “Why didn’t they just do that thing with the thing? It would have saved everyone and there would not have been half the carnage.” But the answer to my question lies in the question itself and would be a spoiler. We can’t have that. GM needs your butt in that theater seat eating good popcorn and bad Skittles for their brand new two-and-a-half-hour commercial. You will go, and you will like it. Spit out the pink Skittles, they are gross.

Photo: Tony Crider