Chocolate is My Religion

I love Easter. Let me rephrase that…I love Easter candy. I especially love big giant chocolate rabbits. I have very fond memories as a child of biting the ears off and then using my best cartoon rabbit voice to scream, “MY EARS! MY EARS! THEY’RE GONE. OH, THE HUMANITY!” I have to admit, I’m a little timid about trying this shtick with the chocolate Jesus.

Yep, the “religious right” has had enough of our pagan candy bunnies and has introduced chocolates which convey the true meaning of the season. Visit Chocolate Fantasies (some part of  the site are NSFW) to get your own chocolate Jesus, Mary and other favorites such as Celtic crosses, crucifixes and baptismal scenes—all just in time for Easter. And it’s not that I’m totally against having ones faith immortalized in candy. I’m all for it. It just seems wrong to eat a religious icon.  And it also seems wrong to steal the innocence of bunnies and baby chicks away from our young-lings.

Not so innocent, the “right” would argue.  Most of our pagan Easter rituals were given rise by Roman and Greek fertility ceremonies. I’m sure everyone knows children dressed in white dancing around a May Pole are just the “G” rated version of ancient virgins dancing around a large phallic symbol hoping to get knocked up that Spring.

But tradition and religion aside, Easter is a time of rebirth. Spring brings the symbolism of trees budding and grass filling in the big yellow spots in my backyard. And it better fill in quick or I won’t have anywhere to hide my symbolically pagan eggs decorated with crosses so I don’t burn in Hell. Religious plastic eggs are available at Century Novelty. If you’re looking for a more secular chocolate bunny, check out the Lindt Milk Chocolate Bunny with chocolate carrots and golden egg. Even chocolate critters need to accessorize.

As a side note, Chocolate Fantasies is also your best bet for ordering adult themed porno candies. Need some After Dinner Sinner Mints or Fruity Boobs?  They’ve got you covered.  I wonder if Jesus is offended that He’s sidled up next to chocolate penises. I’m guessing yes.

Photo: scott_debney

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