Another Dimension of Headaches: Stop the 3D Movies!

Tired of movies coming out in 3D yet? After My Bloody Valentine, Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds, Monsters vs. Aliens and a handful of other titles you’d think that this gimmick resurgence would have ebbed away by now. Well don’t worry; you only have about thirty 3D titles more coming out over the next three years.

That’s right.

Thirty.

About half of these planned 3D films come out this year, and many of them bear familiar titles such as Ice Age, Toy Story, G-Force and Astro Boy. In fact, all of Disney/Pixar’s upcoming computer animated films will be released in this light-bending format, including their 2010 release of Alice in Wonderland. So, what’s to blame for this plane breaking tomfoolery? Like everything else these days, the state of economy has something to do with it. Between sagging box office draws, greater availability of leaked and pirated films via the internet, and an increase high definition home theaters, it’s a perfect climate for theater goers to slap on the silly cardboard glasses and have their perception messed with for a couple of hours.

3D films promise an added element with which home technology can’t yet compete and also makes cams and other pirating techniques practically useless. It’s doubtful that Disney would be sending Woody and Buzz into the third dimension just to delight the kids—it’s more likely an effort to put the screws to the guy who sells you bootleg DVDs out of his backpack at the bar.

This isn’t the first time that new technology caused the rise of gimmick theater-going. When television first entered Americans homes in the early 1950s, studios feared that the new contraption would be the end of their industry. Reactionary as ever, Hollywood put dual camera polarized stereoscopic photography to work, and entered the B-movie golden age of 3D films. Films like Creature from the Black Lagoon, Kiss Me Kate and It Came From Outer Space thrilled a generation of young film audiences. In-theater trickery often went along with 3D films, like The Tingler, which set a monster loose in the theater via electric buzzers under the seat.

When the home video market reared its ugly head in the early 80s an influx of 3D films came shortly after. Using an updated Stereovision system, the exploitation genre was rife with junk flying out of the screen. 3D classics such as House of Wax and Dial ‘M’ for Murder saw theatrical re-releases and the trilogy of 3D third sequels (Amitville 3-D, Jaws 3-D, and Friday the 13th Part 3 3D) delighted viewers with flying eyeballs, floating ghosts, and extended scenes of people playing with a yo-yo.

In essence, we’ve reached the apex of a thirty year cycle. 3D movies today boast the tag of “Real D,” a relatively new system that ditches the two camera system Stereoscope system for a single hi-res, headache inducing, light-bending nightmare projector. The process provides a greater depth of field absent from previous 3D technology along with all of the finger pointing and knife throwing we’ve come to expect from our 3D entertainment. Studios, mainly Disney, toyed with the technology since 2005 with re-releases of Chicken Little, Nightmare Before Christmas and Meet The Robinsons. The 3D versions of these films typically outperformed their flat counterparts, which higher-ups saw as their ticket to keep people planted in the seats. Now here we are with every animated movie coming out in 3D for the next three years.

The main problem with 3D has always been its poor transition to the small screen. Even with 3D glasses, watching 3D at home feels more like a guessing game as to whether you actually saw something come out of the screen or if your mind is just feeling generous. “Flattening” a 3D film only exacerbates the problem. With the third dimension stripped away it’s easy to see what 3D movies really amount to: people reaching towards the damn camera all of the time.

Photo: laffy4k

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